Wyndsong Writes

Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

That’s basically what my doctor said to me on Saturday.  I went in saturday to see my doctor so I could get a refill on my perscriptions, talk to him about a few minor issues, and get my handicapp placard renewed. Relatively easy, non-controversial stuff, or so I thought.  You see, my back isn’t just bad, sore, or out of shape, it’s actually broken.  You know, BROKEN!  It has been broken for 20 years now (wow!  It was 20 years ago Feb. 10th!)  So how could I be “too healthy” to need a handicapped placard???  But that’s exactly what he said to me, I can walk, I don’t need a wheel chair or oxygen, so in his mind, I’m too healthy to get a handicapped placard. Read the rest of this entry »

If you follow me at all on Twitter or Facebook you’ll already know a little bit about what’s been going on this week. It started Saturday with what I thought was just a gas bubble under my ribs. I went to be with a lot of pain, but expecting it to be gone in the morning. It didn’t go away. It did get worse though. By Monday I was in enough pain that I went to the Dr. He said it was my gall bladder and that I’d probably need it removed right away. He wanted me to get an ultrasound, took some blood tests and some x-rays and told me to go directly to the ER if things got worse. Well, they did. I went to the ER yesterday and got the ultrasound, took more blood tests, more x-rays and they came back with a diagnosis of “Gallstones”. They said that my gall bladder isn’t infected so there’s no rush to have it removed, but it won’t really get better either. I”m supposed to watch what I eat and talk to a surgeon about getting my gall bladder removed.

I”m in a lot of pain and my nausea is really bad too. The only thing that I”m supposed to watch out for is my gall bladder getting infected, which the only other sign to all the pain and nausea is a high temperature. So I’m keeping a watch on that, cuz that would be the only thing that will tell me that I need to ruse to the ER again. Doesn’t that sound like fun??

So what are the foods I’m supposed to avoid? Basically everything I love…. Fats and Spicey. So from now on I have to eat bland rabbit food. Which, I have been doing lately anyway becasue I haven’t felt up to eating anything other than soup or salad, and I’m still having major pains. So, I get to eat plain boring food and still hurt. Great deal!! NOT!

On top of all that I find out that Zynga (the company who makes all those really great games for Facebook and Myspace) has charged our business credit card $200. How they got the card number and what the charges are for I have no clue. I love playing those games, but I would NEVER pay for anything to do with those games, espeically not $200 bucks worth! One time I bought some extra coins for a game, not one done by Zynga, and I went through those coins so fast it wasn’t worth it. So I’ve never bought anything for the games since then, and that was about 6 months ago that I did that. And I used my PayPal account, not even my personal credit card, for that. So somehow Zynga or someone else, got our business credit card number and used it. So now we have to get those charges reversed, change our card numbers and deal with all of that crap.

THEN I got an email card from my dad for thanksgiving today. And somehow he forgot that I have two sons. He address the card to me and Rodger (note the mispelling as well), but not to Jack. Every time I think that maybe my Dad isn’t so bad and I should give him a chance to be a part of our lives (more than just on Facebook), he does something like this. How do you forget that you have TWO grandsons? I’d say that maybe because we don’t talk and such that maybe it’s an understandable omission, but we are connected on facebook, and I talk about the boys all the time. So, there’s no reason for him to forget. It’s just crazy!!

So that’s how my week has gone so far. I’ve spent a ton of money on Dr’s without getting anything really taken care of. Got ripped off by some company through facebook and my dad forgets one of his grandsons. Fun times!

So, last week I had a really bad week.  Well, it was mostly good, but bad in parts.  I had a fight with my sister and ended up giving in to her like a defeated adult gives in to a 2 year old’s temper tantrum.  I was really tired from the Halloween/Samhain weekend and just couldn’t stand my ground with her.  I wrote a big long blog post here about it, but before posting (because even though I don’t know if anyone in my family or my sister reads my blogs, they are all connected to me on facebook so could read it if they wanted to), I decided to  just save it as a draft to cool off first.  Which of course means it never got posted.  LOL! Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever taken a bit of a sandwhich that was really too big for your mouth?  So big, that you could hardly bring your teeth together to chew it.  Your cheeks are filled, your not really sure how the heck your supposed to chew it down enough to be able to swallow.  And then you start to wonder if you’ll ever be able to swallow enough of the food so that you can breath.  Of course, eventually, you are able to swallow, and breath.  Well, that’s the way I’ve been feeling lately, but about my whole life.

I’ve got all these great ideas in my head.  All the things that I want to do, want to accomplish, want to be, and have, but I haven’t been very smart about it.  I’ve just been taking things on willy nilly, with no direction and no focus.  Which of course, means that instead of getting something done, I’m getting NOTHING done!

I’m not exercising, i’m not writing, i’m not meditating, I”m not writing affirmations, I”m not doing anything!  I have to change that, and I have to change it now.  We’re going to run into some serious financial problems if I can’t get myself together and work on things.

So, I absolutely must figure out how to make a schedule (AAAHHH, sorry had to get that out).  It’s not that I don’t like schedules, I would LOVE them, if , and this is a BIG BIG IFFFF, I could make sure that me and everyone else could stick to them.  Change is not easy for me.  If I put a plan into place, then I’d better be able to stick to it, or I’ll have a freak out attack.  How do you work sponteneity into a schedule????

So that’s what I”ll be trying to figure out today… maybe the rest of the weekend too. LOL!

Am I alone in biting off more than I can chew?  Do you do this?  If you do, how do you get through it?  I seriously need someone to kick me in the butt and get me started.  I’d ask for volunteers, but I don’t want too many people jumping in at once.  LOL!

This is a touchy subject for me, so I don’t know if comments will be on or off while I”m writing this.  I may turn them off just so I don’t hear anyone’s negative comments, however, I may keep them on so that I can get some encouragement or support.  Either way, my comments are moderated, so negative ones could be deleted.  LOL!  The power of the blog is mine! mwahahaha

So about 8 years ago I got pregnant, but because of circumstances (i.e. boyfriend and I not in stable relationship, I was still on welfare and living with my mother), I decided not to keep the baby.  My sons were only 4 and 6 at the time, and it was a very difficult decision to make, even though I felt then, and I still feel it was the right decision.  The father of that baby and I broke up, and a year and a half later he and I got back togther (and we’ve been together ever since, and are now living together).  The abortion was extremely difficult on my psyche.  I went into a deep depression, and went on medication for it, which I am still on. 

For the first few years after it, I couldn’t even look at a baby.  The anniversaries of the abortion, when I found out I was pregnant (which was mother’s day, btw) and the due date were extremely difficult on me.  I would go into my bedroom and cry almost the entire day.  I had to prepare myself for the days before they came up.  I also had a hard time with Samhain, which is the pagan day to honor those who have crossed over.

For the last couple of years, I hardly know when those days have come and gone.  I still have a hard time being around babies, but last year, when my neice had her little girl, I was even able to hold her.  That I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, cuz I couldnt even hold the baby boys until recently, and baby girls were impossible (I know in my heart my baby was a girl).  I know, that I’m mostly over the whole ordeal.  I want to be over it, I want to move on with my life.  Eventually, I want to have my baby with ST (my boyfriend, and the father of that baby).  But still, something is holding me back.

I know that my weight gain is from holding onto the grief, the guilt, and the presence of my baby.  I know this, and I’ve tried to let go….. and yet, I still haven’t completely let go.  I’ve been so afraid to completely let go of her, because I’ve been afraid that if I do, then she won’t come back to me when I do finally get pregnant again.  Now, after starting my prosperity class, and reading through the book “The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity” By Catherine Ponder, I wonder if maybe that little bit of a connection that i’m holding onto so tightly, is what’s keeping me from prosperity.  Maybe it’s not only keeping me fat, in pain, and sad, maybe it’s also keeping me from reaching my prosperous goals as well. 

It says to let go of the old, let go of the things that are holding onto your spirit.  Well this is definately holding onto my spirit.  I just don’t know if I can let go completely…. or more to the point, maybe I don’t WANT to let go completely.  I think I”m afraid that if I let go completely, I”ll never get her back.  But if I don’t let her go, she never be ABLE to come back to me.  And really, if she’s meant to be my baby, then she will come back…. and if she’s not, holding onto her spiritually will never bring her to me, it will just keep her and I both in this limbo of pain and guilt. 

So, ok… I do know that I have to let go completely.  Spiritually let her go.  How do I do that now?  I think a ritual is in order.  I”m going to have to think about this for a while.

Affirmation:

I fully and freely release you.  I completely let you go.  So far as I am concerned you have served your prpose in my life and I no longer need you.  You are now in your perfect place.

Ok, I’ve been on a ton of different insurances in California and Nevada. So far, I’ve never had one insurance NOT cover birth control. I agree that birth control is a very important issue, and something that any woman who wants it, should be able to get it. But is that really a presidential candidate question? Is it an issue that belongs in the government forum at all?

As a Libertarian, I say no. The government has no place to say to insurance companies what medicines that they will or won’t cover. That should be market place driven. If your company has insurance that doesn’t cover birth control, get together with the other employees and talk to your managers and executives about it. Give them some reasons to change the insurance plans, so that you get insurance that DOES cover birth control. Then, when enough companies and individuals stop buying plans that do not cover birth control, those companies will either change their policies or go out of business!

No matter what else you try to do to a big corporation, the best way to get their attention is through their wallets! The last thing we need is MORE government telling companies what they can and can’t do. That’s what drives them and their jobs out of the country.Technorati Tags: birth control, mccain, election, president, government, laws, insurance, health, coverage

Ok, I’ve been online since 19**, and I’ve done websites of all sorts. My one website, BlueWinds has been around forever, of course it has taken on many shapes and forms, but it’s been going forever. Now, I see that blogging is one of the best ways I can get my writing online, and get people to notice me. (Hi!!!)

For most people, they are content with blogger.com, or wordpress.com. Not me. I need my own domain, with a self hosted blog. Preferably with my own uniqueish template and such. Which, btw, was a lot harder than I expected it to be. But I’ve done it… also used other peoples templates, cuz it’s just too damned hard to make my own for ALL of my websites. Like I have nothing else to do but make wordpress templates.

Anyway, I *stumbled upon* this really neeto torpedo (flashback 80’s) dealywig called EntreCard. It’s kinda a link exchange thingy for bloggers (see thingy on right—->It’s really cool!! And I’ve been playing around, dropping cards, and surfing onto the next card. Found some absolutely great websites!

Which brings me to this post….

Infected Loser Loser is exactly what this blog made me feel like. Thanks! *note sarcasm* Not that it was mean or anything like that. It was too good! Damn it! It’s set up nicely, everything is in the right place, easy to read, easy to see….. it just SUCKS! Well, actually it doesn’t suck at all, it’s great, but it makes me feel sucky cuz I slapped a bunch of stuff on my too many blogs, and went “There! I built it, they will come!” And because of EntreCard, they are coming, but I don’t want them to see my sites like this now. The bar has been raised. So I must do what I can to Limbo up to the bar. LOL!

So, enjoy the link to Infected Loser, see how pretty and neat it is. And then don’t come back to my page until I’ve cleaned it up. So Maybe monday?? Oh who am I kidding, i’ll be up till 4am working on my blogs now! LOL!

I hate fireworks!  Not that they aren’t absolutely gorgeous to look at… but only from far far far far far away.  It’s the noise that I can’t stand.  They make me jump right out of my skin, even when I’m expecting them to explode.  I’ve never liked loud noises, my sister is the same way too.  My sons don’t like loud noises either.  I guess it must be hereditary.

My other sister, on the other hand, LOVES fireworks.  She’s not happy unless she can see a ton of them.  Last year, after we moved here to Las Vegas, was strange, but she loved it.  She had come over to our house to see the fireworks that we had, and ones around our house.  Then I drove her home.  On our way home, we noticed that there were tons of the big fireworks, like the ones in the picture above, everywhere!  We only had to drive 8 miles, and almost every street had several houses that were shooting them off.  It was like a mobile fire works show.  At least in the car, the noise wasn’t so bad.

I do love Independence day though.  I love my country, I love my freedom… so I always get a little emotional about today.  It does make me think about the up coming election too.  What is it that I really want from a president, and do any of the candidates come close to that need?

I’m generally pretty liberal when it comes to most things political.  I”m pro-choice, eco-friendly, pro gay marriage, and pagan.  Not your typical conservative person.  However, there are some things that I’m very conservative about.  Like gun ownership, the war, immigration, homeschooling, and taxes.  Most of these views are closest to the Libertarian political party.  However, Ron Paul was NOT a good choice!  I did not agree with his view on 911 or the war.  Once again, I’m stuck with trying to figure out which of my issues are more important and in the highest jepordy for the cocming election.  But this time, I feel like it’s a little easier to figure out than any other election I’ve voted for.

Obama, may seem very idealistic and like the “feel good” candidate, but I don’t like the idea of making everything in our country under the scrutiny of the government.  He wants to socialize medicine, socialize energy of all kinds, and wants to force service onto our youth!  He’s definately NOT pro-homeschooling, which I can not stand at all.  He’s anti-gun, and wants to weaken our nation by cowtowing to our detractors in the war,   Not to mention his connection to the Wacko church!

McCain, on the other hand, only has two things against him, at least in my view.  The biggest thing is being pro-life.  That doesn’t worry too much though, because if the Bush administration could get Roe v Wade repealed, then no one’s going to.  The other thing is his rather liberal view on immigration.  I’m all for LEGAL immigrationj, but the illegal immigration is not acceptable.  However, McCain did admit that his plan was obviously not good enough, and he would refer to his constituents and the public at large when it comes to what should be done.  Reminds me of Schwartzenegger, who is willing to go with whatever the people want.

That’s the kind of president we need.  One who’s willing to listen to the majority, not just bow to however has his purse strings or prior commitments.  That’s change *I* can believe in!

So, saturday I find out that there are some big fires going on up in Northern California.  In fact, there’s a big fire in the city where my father lives.  I get reports that the entire town is or at least parts of it are gone, most of the city is evacuated, and it’s just getting worse.  It’s amazing how little accurate news you get about something in another state.

Turns out, that yes the fires are very near my father’s house, but not near enough for him to have been evacuated yet.  His wife had to stay in the larger city where she works one night, because the fires had cut off the routes into her town.  Other than that, they were fine.  It was a relief to hear, mostly because then I didn’t have to figure out how I was going to feel about my father being in danger.

I didn’t meet my father until I was 30 years old.  My mother and he got divorced while my mom was barely pregnant with me.  He never once tried to see me.  My whole life I wondered why, and I still don’t have that answer, though now it’s by choice.  When I finally did meet him, I didn’t  ask.  There will never be a good enough answer to that question, so there’s no reason to ask it.  At least that’s how I feel.

My birthday & Father’s day were always very hard for me growing  up.  My birthday, because I was born on my father’s birthday…. father’s day was hard for obvious reasons.  I still haven’t celebrated father’s day with my father, though I did send him a couple of e-cards a couple of times after we first me.  I celebrated one birthday with him.  That birthday is what started me backing away from him though.

You see, my oldest son was born on my birthday as well.  The three of us all share that day, no matter where we are, it’s our day.  I have always been very careful to celebrate with my son, but at the same time, making sure he had a special day to himself.  After all, he’s the kid, birthdays are meant for kids.  My birthday has always been special to me as well, so I make sure I get a special day for myself too.  Usually this happens the weekend before or after my actual birthday.  The actual day doesn’t have to be when I celebrate, actually I always liked having a celebration on a nother day, because then that made my birthday last longer!  LOL!  My father, however, did not share any of those sentiments.

He was quite upset that I was not going to be able to take a day off to spend time with him on his birthday.  The actual day was on a wednesday.  I had to work, which I kinda like, cuz then everyone says happy birthday, customers say it… I get treated special, so I’m never upset to work on my birthday.  When I told my father that, he was quite upset by it.  He couldn’t understand that I wasn’t doing everything in my power to get that day off, to be with him on his birthday.  Notice me saying “his birthday”.  It seemed that my father felt like my son and I sharing a birthday with him, was just another way of celebrating HIS birthday.  That kinda took me aback.

I was raised by a mother who really didn’t like birthdays, not that she had anything against them.  She just felt that birthdays were for children.  So generally she didn’t want any gifts on her birthday, but sometimes would ask her parents for a gift for one of us kids instead.  She wasn’t bein self sacrificing in any way, just she would get the most enjoyment out of getting something for her kids, rather than a gift for herself.  This is why my father’s attitude was so shocking to me.  How could a grandfather feel like his birthday was more important than his grandsons!  I just didn’t get it.  Which is why it was the beginning of the end, as far as my new relationship with my father, whom I never knew.

That wasn’t the final straw, but it was the first.  One of the final straws was when my father told me that he would have visited me more often if I hadn’t been living with my mother.  He had family in southern California.  In fact, his sister lived about a mile from us!  And he came to visit her several times without telling me.  I know that people do that to avoid confrontation, but I never forced him to confront my mother at any time.  I didn’t feel the need to make that happen.  There was no reason for him to worry about coming to my house.  I’m an adult, I had a car!  If he had just said he was down there, I would have come by to visit.  Or we could have met for lunch.  Something!  But instead, he just came down to visit his sister, and didn’t bother saying hello to me or the boys. 

I didn’t feel the need to continue a relationship with my father anymore, because of that.  Why should I put myself out there, when I”m not getting anything in return?  It still hurts, to know that my father could have worked just a little bit to keep a relationship going with me.  He chose not to do that, and I chose not to push it.  I chose to walk away from a relationship that would only hurt me further.

Then, after having delt with some of that hurt, I hear that my father may be in danger from these fires.  I wonder if I’d cry, if I heard that his house burnt down, or that he was evacuated.  Last year, there were horrible fires in southern California, and my neice was evacuated.  I was worried about her, and I cried a little because of worry (sometimes I hate that).  But would I feel the same way about my father?  How would I feel if he died?  Or was hurt badly?  Luckily, I didn’t have to find out what the answers to those questions were.

I called my half brother, and he told me that my father’s house was not in danger.  They were not evacuated, and the fires were not that close to their house.  The fires did destroy some houses not too far from my father’s place, but it was also getting contained, and would not be a continued threat.  I think I was more relieved that I didn’t have to face how I might feel about my father’s safety, more than to hear he was safe.  I guess that’s just to be expected. 

Father’s are strange to me.  I’ve never had one.  I guess, I never will.

Because we’re going through a charter school, my boys have to take the standardized tests. I hate this! It’s one of the things that I dislike most about the charter schools. But while I’m still working full time, there are comprimisises that need to be taken, and this is one of those.

Next week, my 12 year old is going to be taking a writing analysis test. We’re practicing for it all this week. I don’t really care what the test has to say, I don’t believe in tests, it’s just something that we have to do to be able to continue with the charter school. I don’t think he’s nervous, if he is, he’s not telling me, but I am nervous. I hate tests, I hated them when I was a kid, and it’s one of the minor reasons I homeschool (there are many reasons I home school, most of the reasons are much more important than not liking tests). I’m not nervous because I’m worried Jack might not do well, tests just make me nervous.

The reason I don’t believe in tests is because I don’t believe they show anything more than whether or not the child can TAKE a test, and sometimes it’ll show if a child can memorize or can give lip service. That’s what I did as a child, I just gave lip service. I knew what the teachers wanted me to say, so that’s what I said. Even if it was wrong. That didn’t last too long though, by the time I was in Jr. High, lip service was no longer ok with me. Needless to say my grades plummetted.

Anyway, I think that i’ve given my boys enough confidence in themselves for them to know that a test doesn’t mean anything about what they know or how smart they are. Which is why they don’t seem anxoius about these stupid tests. That means I’ve done my job!

So now, after all that complaining, you’re probably wondering why in HELL i would have my kids in a charter school. I have a few reasons why I have them in a charter school. The biggest reason is because I’m working fulltime, and don’t have the time to create a curriculum myself, and because I’m not making a ton of money, I can’t afford to buy a ready made curriculum. So a charter school is the best option for my family. It’s not perfect, and there are things that I don’t like about it, but really, it’s better than sending them to a public school.