Wyndsong Writes

Don’t ask me why I decided to post this, because I really don’t know.  I just had to share some of my misery in being a woman.  Yes there are plenty of wonderful things us women get to do that men will never have to, pregnancy and birth is just some of those things.  However, those specifically, things that are wonderful often cause some very embarrassing things to happen with our bodies.  And yes, I’m sure there are PLENTY Of things that men have to deal with that women do not… which I am grateful for, but in this category, we win!   So with that being said, if you don’t mind TMI to the MAX, hit the “more” link to read the rest of the story.  (side note: if you don’t know what TMI means, then you certainly will after reading this!)

Number 1 on my list of embarrasing shit  is peeing when we sneeze/cough/laugh/anything else.  This wouldn’t be so horrible if it only happened when I actualy had to go!  Then I’d have some semblance of a warning that it was about to happen.  But NOOOOO!  I could have completely emptied my extremely tiny bladder a mere second before I sneeze/cough/laugh and I’d still pee my pants.  DAMNIT!  I’m certainly glad that poise, depends, and other greatly named pee pads are available in “panty liner” sizes, because I’m totally over the whole diaper thing, and don’t intend on going back to it.  Although, if things keep going the way they are, I may very well end up there after all.  YUCK!

A highly rated number 2 is leaking from the boobs.  Any woman who’s had a baby, whether you’ve breastfed or nt, has had to go through this horribly embarrasing situation.  You think you’re looking fine, and usually this happens in a white blouse.  Why is it always in a white blouse that when wet is more see through than anything else?  You sitting at a nice table, or at work, and suddenly something feels warm… or suddenly you feel something wet drop on your belly (or leg depending on how quickly you’ve lost that baby fat).  You look down to see one or both breasts are soaked straight through and you look like you’re ready for the wet t-shirt contest!  Usually you’re someplace where you can’t change into a new shirt, so even if you do run to the bathroom before someone sees, you’re going to have to come out of there sometime.  So there you are, you’ve got a decision to make… do you stay hiding in the bathroom and hope that you can stake out the place until everyone else has gone home?  Can you fit through the bathroom window and get to your house and back again before anyone notices?  Or do you just strut your stuff on out of the bathroom and pretend you MEANT to be in the wet t-shirt contest and look around like all  your competition got scared off by the shear magnitude of your boosom (which of course they all should be because you’re boobs are GINORMOUS since having the baby).  So which way out do you choose?  Oh I forgot choice number 4… call your boyfriend/mate/spouce from the bathroom asking him to bring whatever jacket/sweater he has available and come out wearing it wrapped around you like you’re just very sensitive to the cold (which if anyone had seen your blouse, would have also noticed how cold it actually was where ever you were).

Lastly is a doozy (how do you spell doozy?).  Forgetting feminine hygiene products.  You’d think that this wouldn’t happen very often, but really it did.  Thankfully, I haven’t had to deal with this kinda shit for about 5 or 6 years now.  I just love love love the type of birth dontrol that takes this concern away!  Ahhhh science, it is good!  But I do remember before I had kids and these types of things happened to me.  Of course it never failed to happen when there was no one I could call to come a bring me the products I needed, so I’d have to go to the “nurses” office (they don’t have nurses offices in schools anymore do they?) and she’d give me something to keep me going until after school.  The products that they had in schools, at least when I was a kid a million years ago, were things from the dark ages.  Most of the time the boxes even had DUST on them!  And the “safety” pins evidently had been smelted by a smithy!  But you had to wear them because the alternative was worse than those mentioned above!  So you wore these lumps of cloth the rest of the day and suddenly you realize that you can see above everyones heads and people are looking at you like they are trying to figure out where the booster seat is that you’re obviously sitting on, because you weren’t that tall before class started!

I’d like to tell you all that these are anecdotes from many sources, but they aren’t.  They are all very real situations from my silly life.  And people still wonder why I’m nuts?!?!  I’ll just have to point them to this blog post and say “ask me again after you read this… at your own risk of course”.  The only concilation that I get from spilling out these embarrasing moments onto this blog, is that sooner or later my sons will have  girlfriends who will happen onto this lovelyblog of their mothers, and then my embarrasing moments can create new ones for my sons!  Ahhh parenthood is such sweet revenge for all the things you go through in life.  Pay it forward, I always say!